


COFFIN

by lacerations



Category: Death Note
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Cake, Death, Fish, Gen, M/M, Motorbikes, Unrequited Love, Unrequited Lust, Zombies, a mushroom, akai kasa, another mushroom, bubble tea, chocy donutty, clumsy!near, coffin, lit class, lunching, mello cloud, mellos wang, psycho raito, raito jog, romeo and juliet - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-23
Updated: 2014-12-10
Packaged: 2018-01-26 06:02:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1677428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lacerations/pseuds/lacerations
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>L wakes up in his coffin. Raito, who by funny coincidence (!) is VISITING his grave at that exact time, gets him out with a spade, a drill, and the fiery maniacal passion of his newly discovered deep love for L.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I thought you were dead

L woke up in a coffin, surrounded by darkness, under the ground. 'What is that horrible noise?' he thought, disturbed more by the odd sound coming from above than by the fact he had woken up in a coffin. 'It seems to be coming from up there… and if I'm not mistaken, it sounds a bit like Raito-kun, laughing. In his mad way.' L listened closely, keeping quiet as a mouse inside his coffin. It was definitely Raito, but he wasn't laughing. He was crying. 

Raito sobbed until his throat hurt, his loud convulsive gasps and wailing noises piercing the oppressive silence that normally emanated throughout the graveyard. He draped his long lean sexy body over the gravestone, over the long grass surrounding it, over a small mushroom that had grown on top of L.  
Angrily, Raito ripped the mushroom out of the ground.  
"FUCK YOU!" he screamed, throwing it across the cemetery. "You are not worthy… none of us are worthy… not even I." He hastily cleaned the mushroom dirt out from under his manicured fingernails and resumed mourning. 

L knocked on the inside of the coffin. "Raito-kun," he called out. 

"L!" Raito shrieked. He was prepared for this, though. Deep down, he had known L was immortal. And since his recent epiphany (!), he'd been dreaming of this day, hardly daring to hope but still desperately hoping. Now it was happening. He procured a small gardening spade from his backpack and attacked the ground with it.  
"L… I'll get you out of there… it won't take long… I'm not going mad, I just…" mad thoughts raced through his mad head as he dug up the grave. Fifty seconds later, when he'd removed about 100 cubic metres of dirt from on top of L's coffin, he got out his drill and drilled into the large grandly decorated wooden box. 'Please bury me in a roomy coffin,' L had written in his will. 'By the way, my successor should be Mello, Near is such a gay little doucheface freak, I don't even know why Roger thought he was in the running.' L's will had never been found, but luckily he had been buried in a roomy coffin anyway. Probably because he was rich.  
"Be careful, Raito-kun!" said L, protecting his face with his hands as the drill DDDRR'd very close to his face. 'I hope he is not saving me just so he can kill me again,' thought L, suddenly worried that this was exactly what was happening. Alas, that wasn't Raito's plan at all.  
He drilled three more holes, ripped the lid off the coffin and collapsed onto L, crying into his thick black hair. L, eyes burning due to the sudden sunlight, patted Raito awkwardly on the back. He was hungry. He wanted some food. Raito was crushing him.  
"I thought you were DEAD!" wailed Raito into L's ear, almost deafening him.  
"Yes, well, that was the idea wasn't it?" said L dryly, attempting to push the hysterical gravedigger off of him. He knew it was Raito (Kira) who had caused his untimely death, and he wondered, 'what's the dealio?' The dealio was this: three weeks ago, while asleep, Raito had realised via a vivid disturbing beautiful dream epiphany that he loved L. He had always loved L.  
Distraught Raito's body shook with sobs, causing L's head to vibrate. 'Ergh,' thought L.  
"So why are you rescuing me, Raito-kun?" said L, who had actually wanted someone else to rescue him. In particular, he had wanted -  
"I take it - all back," hiccoughed Raito, stroking the back of L's beautiful head.  
"All the murders?"  
"No no, the murders were fine. I mean, I take back pu-punching you in the face all those - t-times, and mocking your sugar addiction, and blackmailing Rem into killing you, and… I'm sorry, L. You're the only p-person I've ever loved." 

"Loved?" L's eyes widened and in a moment of panic his leg jerked involuntarily and he accidentally kneed Raito in the testicles. Raito groaned and fell out of the coffin onto cold dirt.  
L stood up, stepped out of his grave, and held a hand out to Raito.  
"Sorry, that was an accident," he said, deciding he would just ignore Raito's love confession. 'He is mad,' L said to himself. 'Completely insane.' "Thankyou for getting me out of there," he continued. "It was stuffy. I am soooo~ hungry. Does this cemetery have a cafe?"  
"Yes," said Raito, who had been coming to the cemetery almost every day since L died. "Follow me."  
"Hai." L followed Raito, who was trembling slightly, heavily confused by his raging emotions. He yearned to leap onto L and embrace him, squeeze him tight, kiss him gently, tell him how wonderful he was. 'When we were chained together, although I often hoped you would be hit by a car or Misa would find out your name, I also desperately wished we would wake up in the night wrapped around each other, and proceed to have angry passionate sex,' he wanted to say. He turned to L.  
"L, I-"  
"There it is!" L pointed at the cafe, excited, quickening his pace. Raito looked up at the big looming trees of the cemetery as the leaves swayed in the wind. He felt he was in a dream. He wasn't though. This was very real.  
They sat down at the cafe and ordered.  
"Eighteen cakes, please," said L. As hungry as he was, he didn't want to just feast on cakes and fill his undead blood with sugar. Eighteen would be enough.  
"We only have sixteen in the whole cafe," the waiter said.  
"Sixteen cakes then." 'You're a cliche of yourself, L,' thought Raito, fondly though. He smiled at L.  
"Something wrong?" L asked, nervous because when Raito smiled it was usually bad.  
"No."  
Raito ordered a fish, medium rare.  
"I'm afraid we don't cook fish medium rare, it is a health hazard."  
"My mother cooked fish medium rare. She's dead now. But I just can't seem to forget." He stared into his glass of water.  
"Medium rare," confirmed the waiter, feeling very sorry for Raito.  
"Your mother died?" said L, vaguely concerned.  
"Of course not."  
"…"  
"I always knew you were immortal, L."  
"Really."  
"Yes. That's why I came, in case you woke up from the dead and were stuck."  
"Have you been hanging out here a lot?"  
"No."  
"In that case it's a terrific coincidence that -"  
"Fine, yes, I've been hanging out here a lot," said Raito begrudgingly.  
"I suppose you've changed your mind about wanting me dead?"  
"Yes," said Raito, nodding, willing to sacrifice his pride for the possibility of some kind of - hopefully intimate - relationship with L.  
'Good,' thought L, relaxing a bit.  
"Are you still being Kira?" he inquired.  
"No. I gave my death note to Mikami. I don't have enough time for that right now, I'm much too busy."  
"Busy doing what?"  
"Loving you," he said honestly, breathlessly, looking at L with utter adoration. 

The waiter brought Raito's fish.  
"Arigat."  
L's cakes would not fit on the table.  
"Let's add this table to our table," said L, dragging it across the cafe. It made a horrible squeaking sound, frightening a nearby child.  
"L, remember when you insisted on chaining me to you?" Raito began, stabbing his barely cooked fish with a fork.  
"Yes."  
"Why was that?"  
"So that I could make sure you were not using the de-"  
"You knew I was Kira. What was the real reason you chained us together with handcuffs and insisted we spend every waking moment together? And every sleeping moment also together?"  
"…"  
"At the time, I thought to myself 'kinky L.' Or was that just wishful thinking?" He winked at L.  
"Kinky L," L repeated slowly, horrified. "Who's my successor?" he tried to change the subject.  
"Huh? I dunno. Someone called… N? Ner or something."  
"Oh great." He narrowed his eyes. Fucking Near. "So Raito," L began. Would he dare to ask? Yes. "How long have you been in love with me?"  
"Since about... two days after you died."  
"How ironic."  
"It's not ironic."  
"Oh." L arranged his cakes in front of him, choosing to eat a large black forest first.  
"I was very sad," said Raito, feeling his eyes become wet. "Everything changed. My whole world view."  
"The Kira philosophy?"  
"Oh, I dunno, that's Mikami's thing now."  
"Mikami…" L tapped the side of his head with his fork, trying to remember. "The cute guy with the glasses?"  
"Ye-cute? You think he's cute?" And Raito began to cry, for the fifth time that day. The tears dropped onto his slowly-bleeding fish.  
"Oh. No, of course not. He's not cute," said L as he popped a cherry into his mouth.  
"You have to understand L, these past few weeks have been very hard for me. I've… actually... considered suicide."  
"I see," said L as he stuffed his face with cake. "That's awful. I'm so sorry." He found a surprise!blackberry in his black forest and his face lit up.  
"I nearly died, L."  
"That would have been terrible," said L, sucking the blackberry.  
Raito sensed L's indifference.  
"Well, it would have, because if I'd killed myself you would've stayed in that coffin forever and died again. No more cake for L."  
"…"  
"Heh." Raito winked, and L couldn't tell if it was an evil wink or a flirty wink. Was there even a difference for Raito?  
"If you'd killed yourself, I would've phoned my boyfriend and gotten him to rescue me. My phone's still in my pocket, they buried me with it." He got his phone out of his pocket. "See?"  
"Your BOYFRIEND?"  
"My boyfriend," said L. "His name is Mello."


	2. a sudden motorbike

"YOU'RE GOING OUT WITH MELLO?" Raito screamed.  
"Yes," said L, suddenly concerned that Mello, who to be fair was quite promiscuous, might have replaced L with some new sexy boy toy who wasn't dead. "Do you even know who Mello is?"  
"I've heard of him," said Raito, voice trembling. "From Ner."  
"Near."  
"Yeah him."  
"Hold on a sec Raito-kun, just gonna go to the bathroom," said L, getting up and going outside behind a wall to call Mello.  
"Hello?" said Mello.  
"Hello Mello." L loved saying Hello Mello. "It's L."  
"Yay!" said Mello, clapping his hands. He'd missed L. "You're so gay, Mello," said Matt from underneath his boyfriend Gevanni.  
"Need me to get you out of the ground?" Mello asked L, ignoring Matt.  
"No, Raito did that."  
"Who?"  
"Kira."  
"Kira?!!"  
"He says he's in love with me. He's eating a bleeding fish. Please come soon."  
"I'll be right there." 

L had returned to the cafe and was biting chewing swallowing, filling his body with carbalicious spongecake. Raito was ranting about his feelings or his death wish or his cat or something, who even cares, when suddenly -  
BRRRMMMVVRMM went Mello's motorbike, pulling up outside the cemetery cafe.  
"What's that noise?" said Raito.  
"Dunno," said L, getting up from the table with his cake fork still in his mouth.  
Mello parked his bike, took his helmet off and shook his luscious hair out. L waved from inside the cafe, but Mello was too distracted looking at himself in the motorbike mirror to see.  
"Who are you waving at?" demanded Raito. Then something clicked. "Is that Mello outside?!" he shrieked. "Did you call Mello?"  
"No," said L.  
Mello strutted into the graveyard cafe in his tight black leather clothes and everyone looked at him. A waiter dropped a cup of coffee. When Mello saw L, his hand flew to his heart involuntarily and he accidentally squished his crucifix into his chest, making a little Jesus mark.  
"Ow," he said. "L," he said.  
"Mello," squeaked L as he was cornered by furious Raito.  
SNARL, snarled Raito. Immediately Mello came to lover boy's rescue, striding aggressively across the small cafe in his shiny red boots. He pushed Raito into a table, picked up L, kissed him passionately, and threw the hunched over undead one over his shoulder.  
"Oof," said L. "Can we go on your motorbike now?"  
"I'm kinda hungry," said Mello. "Mind if I get something to eat first? Wow, look at all that cake," he murmured, walking, his princess still over his shoulder, to the table where L and Raito had been sitting.  
"What the fuck is this?" he said about the disgusting half eaten fish. He picked it up and handed it to a waiter, "take this away." Then he put L down and sat next to him. They began to feed each other cake and talk about how much they had missed each other while L had been dead.  
Meanwhile, all the customers had mysteriously disappeared from the cafe - except for Raito, who was getting up from the floor, his head aching and pounding, rubbing his bruised elbow. His blood pulsed with anger and jealousy and adrenalin and his anti-psychotic medication which he didn't even know he was on because his not-dead-mum snuck it into his cereal every morning.  
"What the hell!?" Raito screamed hoarsely, gobsmacked as he watched L in his loose clothes and Mello in his shiny sex outfit feed each other chocolate cake.  
"Fuck you Mello!" he said and was completely ignored. Raito seethed. Mello was hot, he had a motorbike, he was probably even smarter than Raito. Raito said with his teeth grinding, "A porn star and a mafia member? And a genius?"  
"I'm not a fucking porn star," said Mello, turning to Raito, giving him a look that said 'i'll push you into another table if you don't shut up'. "I probably could be, but I'm not. I am the other things, though. I'm also L's lover." He smirked. Raito lunged towards him but the mafia man boy gave him a look that said 'come one step closer and i'll kick you in the face' so Raito pretended to be stretching.  
LUNGE, lunged Raito with his other leg. L, with cream all over his face, stared at him.  
"Are you going to do some exercise, Raito-kun?"  
"Yes." Raito pulled his knee to his chest and held it there for eight seconds. "I'm going for a run."  
"Where?"  
"Around the cemetery."  
"Can we go now?" whispered L in Mello's ear. "He might do something reckless. Like try and kill us with his spade."  
Mello put a hundred dollar note on the table, picked up L, slung him over his shoulder again and stomped out of the cafe.  
"What a fucking show off." Raito wanted to claw Mello's eyes out.  
"M-Mello, I don't feel good," said L who was full of cake and did not enjoy being heaved around so much. He loved being close to his boyfriend, but he thought he might vomit.  
"We'll be home soon," said Mello, "get on." L climbed onto the motorbike and put his arms around Mello's waist.  
RRRVVVVVV went the motorbike and sped off down the road.


	3. indecent exposure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raito goes for a jog around the cemetery and runs into someone who is looking for L's grave!  
> Mello's motorbike is zooming down the road, L holding on tight. But why is Mello naked? And what might be the consequences of Mello's nakedness?

After L and Mello zoomed away on Mello's motorbike, Raito did indeed go for a jog around the cemetery.  
"Grrr," he growled to himself, galloping carelessly out of the cafe and across the grave of some old man.  
His stylish sneakers padded the dark grass as he picked up the pace. Faster and faster he jogged energetically, head down, wishing he'd brought his iPod. Wishing he'd smacked Mello on the head with a spade. Wishing he'd just kissed L when he'd had the chance.  
"Grrr-rr," he said again, louder. Maybe a lap or two would do. Maybe more.  
Raito felt he desperately needed to burn off all the nervous energy he was feeling. Perhaps some vigorous exercise would help with his sexual frustration, too. He had been hoping that after digging L out of the ground he would have an opportunity to seduce his ex-rival, but it seemed he had missed that chance (if there ever was one).  
Raito had a gracious running style and bendy knees and he looked rather dashing running across the cemetery like that. A widow visiting her husband's grave saw the ex serial killer and blushed.  
'Ooooooh,' she silently wolf-whistled, checking out Raito's nice legs. She looked back at her husband's grave.  
'I could really do better than this dead man. Maybe I should get out more.' 

Meanwhile, Mello had stopped his bike at a service station so L could throw up.  
BLEEUURGGHH L vomited up loads of semi digested cake onto the bitumen and quickly ran inside to wash his mouth out. Mello sighed and went into the shop and bought some painkillers and chocolate and cheap motorbike gloves. His thumb kept chafing against the motorbike handle because he revved it so much, wanting to seem tough. Mello's traumatic childhood had massively damaged his self esteem. Even now, in adulthood, he felt constantly inferior and inadequate. As a result he excessively revved his motorbike causing thumb chafing, inappropriately flaunted his sexuality causing weird looks and indecent exposure warnings, and yelled at people causing people to dislike him. He never yelled at L, though. L was -  
L was walking out of the service station bathroom without a top on.  
"Oh my god." Mello raced to him. "Where's your shirt?"  
"It had vomit on it. I threw it out."  
"What are you gonna wear?"  
"I don't know." L looked sad.  
"You can wear my clothes," said Mello, stripping. "I don't mind not wearing clothes."  
"Uh, M-Mello," started L, well aware of Mello's past troubles with the law. He'd never been arrested for organised crime or homicide, but his name was in the 'indecent exposure minor offenders' list in the local police station. Yes, they had such a thing. It was a common problem in this particular area, for some reason.  
"Don't worry about it," Mello assured him, which was Mello's way of saying 'you're welcome.' He handed his tight black shirt to L and bared his chest to the world. His abs glinted in the sunlight and so did his crucifix.  
L pulled the black top over his head and found that it was much too small for him. He frowned at the chest part of the shirt. It had crissy crossy bits of leather tying it together.  
"Come on." Shirtless Mello jumped back on the motorbike. Bondage-outfit-y L climbed on behind him and hugged Mello and closed his eyes. 'Thank god he kept his pants on,' thought L.  
"We'll be home soon, Eru," Mello promised as they VROOMed away from the service station. "Real soon." 

 

Near had come to the cemetery to visit L. It was the first time he'd done this, and he'd anticipated it might be difficult, in terms of navigation, weather and emotions. He carried a parasol to protect him from sudden rain and was wearing sunglasses in case he burst into tears. Near rarely cried and L's death was one of the rare things that had distressed him. He adjusted his sunglasses and softly walked up the path, reading names on gravestones, searching for 'Lawliet.' Suddenly he heard sound of sneakers on dirt running towards him. He turned around just in time to get smacked into by a tall man and swiftly fell to the ground onto a mushroom. 

Raito was so caught up in his own thoughts (Mello isn't even that good-looking! He looks like a slutty girl! Why doesn't L love me? Why? He once said I was his only friend, has he forgotten that? Why is this cemetery so full of trees? Are all cemeteries full of trees? That tree is much too tall, taller than me) that he did not notice a small boy walking across the path in front of him.  
OOOFF smack! Raito ran into Near. The heavy collision caused the little Near to fall over. Luckily, a small mushroom slightly cushioned his fall!  
"Ow," said Near quietly, brushing dirt off his face, looking up at his attacker. His eyes widened. Was that….? Surely not.  
"You look familiar," murmured Near, pushing himself off the ground and standing up. He studied the clumsy jogger's face.  
"Uh huh," said Raito, wanting to continue with his run but feeling slightly bad for knocking over this kid. "Sorry about that, I just didn't see you there."  
"It happens often," said Near, gazing into the distance. Poor overlooked Near with his small stature and mouse ish manner and squiggly genius brain.  
Squiggle! went Near's brain and did some maths and realised something. Yagami. Raito.  
"Kira," he whispered.  
"Huh?" Raito hadn't heard. His ears were filled with white buzzy noise, probably caused by his inner rage and soul pain. He had not realised that this little pale kid was actually Near/Ner/L's annoying successor who he'd talked to briefly on the phone, the one with the strange androgynous voice.  
"Nothing," Near whispered louder. What to do? squiggled his brain. Kira is here. What now?  
'Maybe I should phone someone,' he thought. 'And tell them.'  
But Kira had already taken off again and was running up the cemetery path away from Near. 

 

Mello's flared pants dragged on the ground as he motorbiked back to his place with L. He should have noticed this and maybe rolled them up, but he was distracted thinking about sex and whipped cream.  
"When we get home," he shouted to L over the roaring motorbike noise, "I'm gonna make you so ho-"  
Suddenly, the bottom of Mello's pants got caught under the front motorbike wheel and were swiftly ripped off, leaving Mello completely nude (he never wore underwear).  
"Hm," said Mello, looking down at his bare legs, his face breaking into a grin as the cold swishy breeze cooled and refreshed the skin all over his body.  
"Hmm," said L, staring over Mello's shoulder at Mello's penis. Hehehe.  
Mello began to laugh. He loved being naked.  
RRVVV, he revved with masculinity and sped off down the highway, naked.  
\---  
It was only a minute or two before a police car flashed its lights at the motorbike.  
"We have to pull over," said L, looking around nervously.  
"Huh? Why?"  
"Police car."  
"I'll just go faster." Mello revved.  
"No, please Mello," L begged. He was frightened and he still felt sick and he did not want a police chase to spoil his already-spoiled afternoon.  
"Fine." Mello pulled over and looked over his shoulder coolly as the police officer parked his car and walked towards the motorbike.  
"Where are your clothes, sir?"  
"Yeah… you know… fell off. It's not illegal to ride a motorbike naked, is it?"  
"Yes, it is."  
"What, really?"  
"Heard of indecent exposure?"  
"I thought that was a joke." Mello pulled a face.  
L sighed internally and slumped onto naked Mello. The black leather shirt he was wearing was rubbing against his nipples and it felt kind of good but also bad. The police officer glanced at L then back at Mello.  
"I'm arresting you for -"  
"For what? Being naked!?" Mello shouted. "I'm proud of my body, and not just because it's hot as hell. Everyone should be proud of their body, think of all it's done for you, I mean how the fuck are people supposed to-"  
The policeman procured some handcuffs and clicked them onto Mello's wrists. L watched this and thought of chains and Raito and shuddered.  
"What the fuck!?" Mello was outraged. "You can't do that!"  
"Get in the car. Your little friend can follow us to the station."  
"Me?" said L, adjusting his top.  
"He's my boyfriend," growled Mello, reluctantly dismounting the bike. "And he's not little."  
Upon hearing this, the police officer felt a pang of jealousy and disappointment well up inside him. He tried to ignore it. 'It's not like I had a chance with that guy anyway,' he scolded himself, pushing to the back of his mind his Mello-in-chains-begging-police-officer-for-sex fantasy. He snapped into reality and pushed the naked blonde dude into the back of the car, pulling a police blanket over his lap to censor his ding dong.  
"Watch it," Mello snapped as his head almost hit the doorframe.  
L waved sadly at his lover and started the motorbike as the police car drove off towards the station, Mello scowling out of the tinted window. 

 

GAPE, gaped Near vacantly, watching as Kira galloped gorgeously away to another far corner of the large cemetery.  
"Kira," he said out loud to himself, slightly dumbstruck, and thoughts began to race through his mind. 'Should I have tried to arrest him? But I'm half his size… Should I have accused him of serial killing? What could I have done? We can't even prove it yet, we don't have enough evidence…' Near frowned.  
He decided to text Halle.  
-Saw Kira at cemetery-  
When she didn't respond immediately he put his phone back in his pocket and continued his stroll and search for L. After ten more minutes he became restless and checked his phone again. No new messages.  
Near thought it was stupid that the gravestones weren't in alphabetical order. Some of them were in sections according to religion but Near could not imagine L being religious or in any way spiritual.  
'Although… he did used to do yoga… and chant… ' Near thought of L's old yoga classes at Wammy's.  
'I used to have such an easy life,' Near reminisced. 'Reading books, cracking codes, stacking dice, eating pudding, yoga with L… sometimes Mello touched me inappropriately and I pretended not to like it but secretly liked it…' Near blushed slightly at this thought.  
'I wonder where Mello is right now, I wonder what he's doing,' he thought rather sentimentally. It began to rain and he put his little red umbrella up, walking deeper into the cemetery and listening to the peaceful patter of raindrops all around him. 

Ten minutes later…  
Mello, in his police blanket skirt, had arrived at the police station.  
"Don't fucking touch me," he snapped at the police officer who was trying to pull him out of the car. "Where's L?"  
L immediately pulled up near the police car, awkwardly dismounted the motorbike and hurriedly approached Mello.  
"L," said Mello happily, smiling. He had been kind of worried that L might have crashed the motorbike. L wasn't a very good driver.  
"Mello," said L and they walked into the station side by side, police officer behind them trying to hurry them up, Mello's handcuffs sadly preventing him from grabbing L's butt, L's borrowed top making his nipples feel kind of bad but also good. 

Near had found L's grave all dug up and was staring into it, heavily confused. He was so mesmerised by the swirl of the dirt and the fact that someone had stolen L that he didn't notice a tiny mushroom whom he was standing right in front of.  
Clompf~ went Near's little foot as it tripped over the mushroom. With a tumble he fell into the big hole.  
'Ah, I seem to have fallen into L's empty grave,' thought Near. 'Now, what to do?'

Raito, while trying to avoid running into a large mushroom, had tripped over a deformed blade of grass and twisted his ankle. After lying down under a tree for a while and groaning melodramatically, he realised no one could hear him so he got up and hobbled back the way he'd come.  
Suddenly he saw the cafe up ahead and realised he must be close to where he'd dug L up out of the ground.  
"Oh dear," thought Raito. "Better do something about that. Fill in the hole maybe." He jogged to the grave. 

Near felt that he should probably get out of L's grave. That was the rational thing to do. However, it -  
"Hey," said a sudden voice. A man appeared from behind the gravestone and leaned over Near, spade in hand. He looked positively evil.  
It was Kira.  
"Uh," said Near nervously, looking up at Kira and then desperately attempting to climb out of the grave but only managing to claw the sides of the hole and grab handfuls of dirt. It was really quite deep.  
"You're Ner, aren't you? I just realised, I recognise your voice. You speak like a person with a cold and no testicles."  
"Near," corrected Near, ignoring the testicle comment.  
"Whatever," scoffed Raito. "Seen L?"  
"No."  
"Sure?"  
Near shifted and propped himself up a bit. "I thought he might be in his grave actually but h-"  
Kira began to shovel dirt on top of Near.  
Ptthhaa, Near spat some dirt out of his mouth. "No, please!" he tried to say. But his protests were to no avail. Kira continued to shovel the dirt.  
SSHHHV. HHMMPP. ~dirt on Near~  
"Help," prayed Near. "Someone, help me." 

 

TO BE CONTINUED…


	4. bubble tea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At the police station, L is interrogated, and Mello forced to sit on a fugly chair. Will they escape or end up in the jail??  
> Meanwhile, at the cemetery gates, two people decide to get bubble tea together.

At the police station…  
Mello and L obediently lined up at the front desk, Mello scowling, L slouching and pouting. He was so sick of this shit. He half wanted to go back into his roomy coffin and just go to sleep.  
The police officer removed Mello's handcuffs and waddle-rushed off. He was needed down in Illicit Substances - a sixteen year old had been caught smoking marijuana behind a school shed.  
"Let's make a run for it," whispered Mello to L. His motorbike was parked just outside and he knew the keys were in the back pocket of L's jeans. He put his arm around his L in a loving way and began to move his fingers downwards - but L realised that this was headed towards either a butt grab or a key steal, and he grasped Mello's hand to stop him.  
"NO, Mello."  
"Next please! Ah yes, we have you on file already, almost," said the secretary, recognising Mello immediately and clicking on the folder on her computer 'naked blonde guy name unknown rides motorbike'. "Since you're here, what's your name?"  
"My name? Uh. Nathan Rivers."  
"Can I see some id?"  
"Do I look like I'm carrying id? Where do you think I would have put it?" Mello was wearing nothing but his police blanket skirt.  
"Sit over there, someone will deal with you soon."  
"This is the fugliest chair I've ever had to sit on," said Mello grumpily, who was used to huge leather spinny chairs and stylish arty stools and comfy motorbike seats.  
L climbed onto the plastic chair beside his boyfriend, crouching like an L. He was aware this might attract attention, and he was already wearing a shiny black leather vest, but sitting like a normal human just wasn't an option for him. Vvvvrrrr went the vest material against his chest lickies as he pretended to adjust the leather laces. 'Mmmmmm.' He held Mello's hand as they waited, and Mello squeezed it.  
It wasn't long before a new, different police officer (tall, mid forties, blue hair) approached them.  
"Hey, blondie, take these, go in there and put them on. And you panda eyes, come with me." He handed Mello some clothes and pushed him into a big cupboard to get changed, then led L into an interrogation room.

Interrogation room 3 was little and cold and echoey. L shivered and wrapped his bare arms around himself. His pale arms were slender but not scrawny, and his biceps subtly bulged in an attractive way that the new officer pretended not to notice.  
"Let's get down to business," said the officer, tapping his finger on the table in a trying-to-be-intimidating way. L thought of Mulan.  
"Tell me, does he go nude a lot?"  
"Not really," said L. "He had to lend me this top. And then we were on the motorbike and... his pants came off."  
"I see."  
"Sometimes his clothes come off, and he doesn't mind," L shrugged. He looked behind Blue hair into what he assumed was the two way mirror. Gosh, he looked terrible… his eyes had big dark circles under th-oh no wait, 'I always look like that don't I.'  
"Do you mind?"  
"Do I mind what?"  
"His clothes falling off," said the officer slowly and patronisingly.  
"Not really. I'm his boyfriend, so-"  
"You're his boyfriend?!"  
"Yes."  
Blue hair scribbled something down. "sometimes his clothes fall off" says the panda man. lololol. suspect gay or bi or whatever but TAKEN by the panda man.  
"I don't see why that's relevant," L said in a low tone. "I think this interrogation is unnecessary."  
Blue hair scribbled more things down. L bit his lip. He didn't want to cause trouble; if it spread to the proper serious police that the famous Eru was still alive, he might run into some problems. If Matsuda found out, he'd be phoning L up all day and all night, leaving whiny messages on the answering machine. 'Are you really resurrected? Are you coming back to catch Kira? Raito-kun misses you and I miss you too! Why haven't you answered my calls? Do you hate me? Do you want to get coffee soon?'  
L shuddered at this thought.  
"I do understand," he began, "why it's against the law to be naked on a motorbike, on a highway." With your dong flopping around.  
"Oh, do you? That's good, I'm glad."  
L suspected sarcasm, but he couldn't be certain.  
"However, I d-" suddenly something caught L's eye and he stopped talking and turned to the door. It was Mello, clad in billowing white. Mello cloud.  
L smiled. "Mello." cloud.  
"I look like fucking Near," Mello said and made a vomiting motion with his finger down his throat.  
"A bit," L had to agree, looking distastefully at the floaty clothes.  
"I need to interrogate you separately!" Blue hair shouted at Blonde hair.  
"Shuddup, you," Mello growled, pulling a gun out from behind his back. He pointed it at blue hair, who squeaked like a distressed guinea pig and threw his hands up, terrified.  
"Found this little thing in the 'changing room'," Mello drawled. "Thought I may as well put it to good use, hey, L?"  
L put his head in his hands.  
"Right, L?" Mello said. In his loose clothes, he looked like a cross between bedtime-Near and Mr Darcy. Except for the gun of course.  
Blue hair began to whimper. Mello shot him in the leg.  
IIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGG  
L covered his ears as they rang from the horribly loud gunshot noise.  
Blue hair's leg began to really bleed, soaking his jeans dark red. He screamed and grabbed his wounded thigh, in shock.  
"Come on then!" Mello grabbed L by the arm and dragged him out of the room, through the hallway, out one of the side entrances and towards the bike.  
L was puffing. He was exhausted, and not used to running. It's not that he was "unsporty", but kicking dickheads in the face was his thing, not running away from cops. 

The bike was just where L had parked it. The front tyre had been clamped. Oh dear.  
A tall policeman was running out the police station with a taser. Followed by more policemen, also with tasers.  
"Run," Mello breathed. L ran. 

\---- 

"Fmumkf!" said Near, trying to say fuck for the first time in his life. He looked up helplessly at Kira's rabies-face, and the shovelful of earth coming his way. *THMPH*. His pale face and arms were covered in cemetery dirt, which was probably full of dead people germs and syphillis, and his heart was doki ing fast. 'Panic attacks are irrational, Nate,' scolded his internal monologue. 'Being buried alive by a mass murderer does not excuse this lapse of control. Emotions must be suppressed.'  
Kira began to dance around the grave with his spade, cackling, kicking little mushrooms onto Near.  
"Kira..." Near rasped. "Stop… I'm allergic… to dirt." *dirt infect near*. "K-kira!"  
"For FUCK'S sake, I'm not Kira anymore!" Raito shouted into the grave, his eyebrows all aggressive.  
"If you are not Kira, then why are you -"  
"If you don't shut up I'll go and find the biggest mushroom in the cemetery and mush it into your face and you'll die." Raito was no longer serial killing, but he still experienced homicidal urges.  
Near cowered at the death threat, which pleased Raito. He began to natter about his unrequited crush on L.  
"How could anyone not love me?" he cried as he dug up a square of grass and dropped it onto Near. "I'm intelligent, I'm charming, I'm considerate." CLOMPF. "I dress well. My eyes are the perfect distance apart. I'm basically the ideal man, and if L can't see that… he's probably been brainwashed. By Mello! Mello probably has a cult," he muttered angrily, spit flying out of his mouth. "Hey, didn't you go to school with him?"  
"We - we grew up in the same orphanage," Near choked out, struggling to be heard as he was deep inside a grave.  
"Orphanage, huh," said Raito, thinking of shared showers and boys dorm sleepovers. The thought thrilled him. "Maybe you can tell me some things about Mello."  
"If you stop trying to bury me, maybe."  
"Fine."  
"You have to answer some of my questions too," bargained the Near. When it came down to it, he had the upper hand.  
Raito tsked.  
"Fine." 

Raito helped Near out of the grave, careful not to actually touch his hand because that would be gay and also his hand was all dirty, and suggested they talk over some lunch.  
"I'm not hungry," said Near, who felt a bit ill. He stepped back from Raito and moved his body from side to side like a floppy rat shivering, trying to shake the dirt off of him. 'Why did I wear white today?' 'Oh yeah cause I don't have clothes in any other colour.'  
"How about bubble tea?" Raito proposed.  
Yes, good. Near liked bubble tea.  
"Yes, good. I like bubble tea."  
They exited the cemetery and walked down the road to the nearby bubble tea shop.  
"I apologise for trying to bury you alive," said Raito on the way. He was skilled at faking sincerity, but Near wasn't fooled and remained silent, which pissed Raito off.  
'Ner - rude orphan. Holds grudges. Socially awkward. Weird hair.'  
They arrived and ordered their teas. Blueberry with sago for Near, Honey milk with extra ice for Raito. Then they sat down on the grass under a pretty tree and discussed matters. 

"Please explain what's going on," said Near, whose brain had been squiggling the whole way there, trying to figure out the whole weird situation.  
Raito sighed dramatically.  
"L came back to life so I dug him out of his grave. And when I came back from my jog to fill in the grave, you'd fallen in it and, honestly, you're very annoying so I thought I may as well-"  
"L is alive?"  
"Yes. I said that already. I dug him up, took him to the cafe… told him how I felt."  
"How you felt?"  
"I feel a lot of things for L," Raito murmured. "Mainly love. Yes… mainly… love."  
"And then what?"  
"Then that stupid bitch Mello came on his ugly fat bike and whisked my Love away!" Raito cried, wanting to pull Mello's arms off and throw them into a fire.  
There was a brief silence. Near processed the information and coughed. The cough annoyed Raito.  
"L doesn't really like you, you know," he said loudly, sensitive and charming as always. "He made a horrible vomity face when I said your name."  
Near said nothing.  
"Haha! He muttered 'fucking Near,'" and scowled and then stuffed more cake into his mouth. He eats so much cake, he'll probably die of a heart attack again before long, and then come back to life again and die of another heart attack and -"  
"So um," Near swallowed, "about the serial killing."  
"Look," Raito said, "I don't do the Kira thing anymore. I gave my death note to Mikami."  
"Mikami is Kira now??"  
"He's doing a good job and everything, I'm glad he finally got rid of that clown pedophile that kept being on the news, but honestly, he's not that cute. I don't know why L said that," Raito frowned, genuinely confused. "I'm much more symmetrical than him. And his chin is all pointy."  
"Oh," said Near, looking at Raito's chin, which was also all pointy.  
"Anyway, I'll get him to kill my father soon and then no one will be disappointed if I quit the task force and take that donut shop job… Except Matsuda, but who gives a fuck about Matsuda?" Raito laughed.  
"Donut shop job?"  
"I've been offered a job at a very reputable donut shop," Raito said all casual-smug. Of course, he didn't eat donuts, or even much like smelling them or looking at them, but the donut shop uniform was extremely flattering on him. His cute little yagami butt looked completely gorgeous in those white starchy shorts with the donut shaped pockets. And the apron! ~mmmmm~. *sexy raito pose in apron*  
"Yes, it's called Chocy Donutty."  
Chocy Donutty, huh… Near had never eaten a donutty in his life. But chocy, he'd eaten. Mello used to feed him chocolate, in the cupboard at Wammy's, at night, in the dark, with his fingers in his mouth and - flustered, he snapped himself out of his daydream and sucked on his bubble tea straw. Blueberry flavour filled his mouth.  
"So why the sudden change of ambition?" he asked, suspicious.  
"Honestly Ner-"  
"Near."  
"-you may not be able to comprehend this, but some of us have personal lives, and I'm having some difficulties with mine. It's very time consuming."  
"What, being in love with L?"  
Raito's eyes narrowed. "He's in love with me too. He just doesn't -"  
"Realise it yet?" offered Near, who had worked on a fair few stalker cases in his time. Raito sipped his drink coolly but didn't reply. He decided to ask a few of his own questions.  
"Did you ever see Mello, you know… naked? When you were younger."  
Near said nothing.  
"Well did you?" demanded Raito.  
Near swallowed. Yes, he had seen Mello naked. Oh yes. More than once. In the showers, in the cupboard, that time they had to share a bedroom for a week… Mello had only been fourteen at the time but even then, he was… really something. *__ * After all these years, Near still didn't know how to feel about it.  
"How big is his, uh…" appendage? man carrot? dingle dongle? sexy snake in the pant?  
Near stared at Raito. "His what?"  
"You know what I mean."  
"Yes, I think I do. I don't think it's any of your business though," Near said slowly.  
"Oh, really?" Raito raised his bubble tea above Near's head threateningly. "Cause I think it might be."  
Near sighed. "Fine." … 

 

TO BE CONTINUED…  
Is Mello well endowed? Will he and L escape the police? Does Near even like blueberry, or is he just pretending? Why would someone pretend to like blueberry? Find out in chapter 5.


	5. Romeo Mellogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> L and Mello decide a school is a good place to hide from the police. Will they be captured and re-arrested?  
> Near finally answers Raito's question.

L didn't really have a choice, did he? He ran beside Mello, his feet hitting the pavement gracefully but painfully, the leather straps of his special top flapping in the wind and whipping his upper arm like *vp vp vp*. Mmmm.   
Mello darted around a corner and shouted for his Love to hurry up. "Are they after us?"  
"I don't think so," L gasped. It was difficult to run hunched over, and even more difficult to run not-hunched over. He didn't know what to do about this. He needed a rest.   
Mello grabbed his lover's hand and squeezed it lovingly as they slowed to a power walk. It seemed the police had lost them, luckily.   
"Look, a sign," said L, pointing at a sign with his free hand.   
SCHOOL, said the sign.   
"We're going in there!" Mello announced, pulling L through the rusty metal gate and into the school. It was class time, so the grounds were all but deserted.   
They ran across the grassy courtyard, ducked behind a shed and collapsed on the ground, panting and laughing.  
With dirt all over his white clothes and leaves in his golden hair, L found Mello very attractive. He leaned toward his lover so their faces were close together. Looking at each other with pure adoration in their eyes, they -   
COUGH, coughed someone. There was a student, smoking a marijuana, like 5 metres away from them.   
"Ano, hallo," said L stiffly, intimidated by the student. "Is it. Okay if we sit here?"  
"Hey, you, aren't you a stripper?" said the student to Mello, ignoring L. His bloodshot eyes narrowed as he studied Mello's face closely.   
"No," said Mello, angry and upset all of a sudden. That was his OLD life. He did not like being reminded of it.   
"Did you used to be? Cause you look like ah, haha, you look like Mel from the club. You know the club with the chains. The chain club."   
"Mel from the club?" L repeated, vaguely horrified at the idea that people other than him had probably seen Mello… do things that… no one should see. NO ONE EXCEPT ME, L thought angrily, possessive of his Mello.   
"That was a LONG TIME AGO," Mello snapped.   
"I see," L murmured, wondering what 'a long time ago' actually meant. Mello wasn't very old. 'A long time ago' he would have been, what? Five?   
The student laughed and smoked some more, seemingly indifferent.   
"Have you always been an exhibitionist?" L asked Mello after a long silence, while he fingered a twig.   
"Huh? What's that got to do with anything?"   
"Well, sometimes it's a sign of-"   
"L. I have had enough of being psychoanalysed by you. Last time we did this you diagnosed me with two separate personality disorders."   
"Yes." L pondered. "You have at least three," he said very very quietly.   
"What was that?"   
"We should go."   
"YOU THREE!" came a stern woman's voice. L jumped. Mrs Burns the chemistry teacher had found them!   
"Smoking behind the shed, of course. Brian, I'll be needing to talk to you later but for now, get to maths. You," she pointed at Mello and her eyes turned into slits. A memory was being triggered. A club… with chains… this blonde man sitting on the ground before her… "You look really familiar. Are you-"   
"I'm skipping english literature," said Mello quickly.   
"Me too," added L. "To smoke weeds. Weed."   
Mrs Burns gestured to them to get up and go. Brian sauntered off.   
"Where's English literature again?" said L.   
"Why don't I escort you?" said Mrs Burns. She walked them to the classroom and literally shoved them in the door.   
"All yours now," she said cheerfully to the english literature relief teacher, then hurried back to her chemistry class before someone could pour mercury on her pot plant again.   
The literature students had their heads down reading something and didn't notice the oddly-dressed new couple. The relief teacher pointed at a couple of free seats near the front of the classroom.   
They sat down.   
"So, have you all done your homework? If not, an hour detention after school. No excuses."   
L gulped. 

 

Raito was both giddy with anticipation and nauseous with dread. HOW BIG IS MELLO'S WANG, went the shouty voice in his head. HOW BIG. HOW BIG IS IT. MELLO'S WANG.   
The keen listener Yagami leaned towards the quietly spoken Near so he definitely wouldn't miss the answer.   
"Pretty big," little white bubble man boy admitted, thinking back to his childhood/teenagehood and finding that all his memories of seeing Mello naked were quite firmly lodged in his mind. He wondered why this was. "Yeah… pretty big," he murmured again. Probably bigger now. Probably much bigger.   
"Mmmm." Raito slurped his drink noisily, raging inside. His eyebrow twitched. He nearly choked on a sago bubble, and spat it out on the ground before letting out a strangled scream.   
Near began to feel nervous. He didn't feel at all safe here, in this park, with this serial killer leaning over him twitching and screaming. The albino boy looked around and realised no one else was in sight.   
Near took a deep breath. "I might-"   
"SSHHH," said Raito, patting his own eyebrow to calm it. More than anything, he wanted to amputate Mello's penis. It had quite suddenly become his number one priority, above even "seduce eru" and "be highest tipped employee at chocy donutty". His urge to amputate Mello's penis was so strong he couldn't take it! He spat his mouthful of bubble tea out and began to retch and convulse on the grass.  
"Uh- uhhh, I-" stuttered Near nervously as the old Kira flailed around as if in seizure, his eyes mad and red. 

 

As it turned out, the literature homework due was a 2 minute 'oral presentation' on Romeo and Juliet.   
"I'll give you an oral presentation," Mello whispered to L, who blushed and stared straight ahead.   
"What's your name?" said the teacher to Mello, peering at him.   
"Um, Nate." Why do I keep telling people my name is Nate? It's not like I THINK ABOUT NEAR ALL THE TIME. I never, ever, think about Near.   
"You can go first."   
"Great." Mello pushed his chair back, making it squeak horribly, and stood up.   
"Romeo and Juliet was written… ages ago. It's about forbidden love. Romeo, a young and attractive blond, falls in love with Juliet, a dreamy but feisty dark haired maiden from his rival family." He looked meaningfully at L.   
"I don't think there's any reference to Romeo being blond," interrupted the teacher.   
"So, they fall in love, and kiss in an elevator." Mello hadn't actually read the play, and he'd only seen 20 minutes of the baz luhrrman movie. "Then Romeo's friend, the guy in the short skirt, gets shot in the chest with a gun. The gun symbolises a penis," Mello said, remembering that english literature teachers like symbols, especially phallic ones. "The gun actually symbolises… my penis."   
L was silently crying.   
The teacher stood up and pointed aggressively to the door. "Out." Mello smiled and strutted out the door.   
"Crying boy," said the teacher, "what have you got for us?"  
"Hunh?" L looked up.   
"Stand up then."   
The resurrected detective stood up slowly. He could hardly believe this was happening to him. He was the world's best detective, the world's second best detective, the world's third best detective… This class was just… L wanted to slap himself in the face. THIS IS NOT MY LIFE.   
"Stand up straight."   
L did not stand up straight. He did not take orders. His posture was his own.   
"Hmm, well," he said slowly in his creamy-raspy voice. A couple of students swooned.   
"Romeo and Juliet. Ano…" he glanced through the window in the door, and saw nothing but a brick wall. Where was Mello?


	6. Neat pink house

Eventually, Raito stopped convulsing. He sat up and brushed grass off the knees of his slender pants. Bits of sago that he had spat out were lying on the ground beside him. He moved slightly away from them pursed his lips. Then,  
"Where does Mello live?" he blurted out.  
"If I tell you that, will you tell me where Mikami lives?" said Near, pretending the convulsion hadn't happened, and that he was talking to a normal person.  
"Mikami… uh… I think he lives in Shinjuku."  
"Where in Shinjuku?"  
"In the middle? Of Shinjuku. Wait, maybe it was Fukuoka. I've never been to his house. We speak on the telephone usually."  
"Is this a joke," said Near flatly.  
"Listen here Ner," Raito began, speaking in that scarily slow and calm tone that people use when they want to be really threatening, "if you don't tell me where I can find Mello, I'll get Ryuk to steal another death note for me from one of his ugly dead bone friends and kill you with it."  
"Who is Ryuk?" Near asked.  
"Shinigami."  
"Shinigami?"  
"Yes."  
"Shinigami…" Near looked off into the distance for a while, then swallowed the last bubble of his bubble tea and gestured to the bin which was about twenty metres away.  
"Uh huh." Raito waited for Near to put his cup in the bun. Suddenly, Ryuk appeared from behind a tree.  
"Ugly dead bone friends?" he chuckled in his deep, croaky shinigami voice. "Flattery will get you nowhere, Raito. I can't get you another death note."  
"I know that. I was bluffing," Raito said boredly. "You know, Ryuk, Near knows too much. I think I should kidnap him for a while. He might cause me some trouble otherwise."  
"Hmm. Raito, have you seen any apple trees around?"  
"No."  
Ryuk floated off.  
Near returned. "I have to be going soon," he said.  
"Wait, you," snapped Raito, quickly formulating his kidnap-Near plan in his head. He got out his phone and called Mikami.  
"It's me," said the young Yagami sweetly into the handset.  
"Kami," Mikami whispered, almost falling off his chair.  
"Can you pick me up from the bubble tea shop next to the cemetery?"  
"Of course." Mikami didn't have a car, but he could hijack one or something. No problem.  
"ASAP."  
"I'll be there very soon, Kam-"  
"Great." Raito hung up with a click.  
"My friend can give you a lift home," he said to Near.  
"It's fine," Near said quickly. "I can find my own way home."  
"Oh no, I insist." Raito's eyes bored into Near's.  
Near started to feel uneasy. What had he gotten himself into? He wasn't sure what kind of power Raito/ex-Kira still had, he didn't know whether Shinigamis really did exist and what this might mean, he still hadn't been told where Mikami lived, and nobody was responding to his texts >.

It was at this point that Near was made painfully aware of how much he depended on other people to get hime out of these kind of situations. Apparently his team were not as reliable as he'd thought. Or… had Raito done something… disabled his phone? With... magnets? Pffft. Of course not. What a ridiculous idea.   
Mikami's car pulled up with a screech. Wow, that was quick.   
"Nears first," said Raito cheerfully, ushering Near into the back seat with force, then getting into the front. Mikami glanced at Raito. In the cramped but fuel efficient stolen car, their bodies were mere centimetres apart.   
"You're not giving me a lift home, are you, Mikami?" said Near who had picked up on these two things quite quickly. 'I seem to be being kidnapped,' he thought to himself.   
Mikami looked calmly at his backseat passenger through the rear vision mirror. "You may call me Kira. And no, I'm not."   
"I didn't think so."   
Raito pointed at himself, then the road, to say 'to my place.' He smiled at Mikami.   
"I'm impressed by how quickly you got here."   
"~ngf," Mikami appeared to have an orgasm in response to this. He sped off down the road, his eyes still rolling back in his head.   
Raito stared straight ahead and smiled.   
Near folded his skinny legs up on the leather seat of the car. He wondered what was in store for him. 

 

Shakespeare, huh…   
L spoke in a monotone.   
"We can start by saying that it is clear from the actions of the characters that they are controlled entirely by their emotions. Young and delusional as Romeo and Juliet are, not that those two things are necessarily co-occurring, it is not uncommon in both fiction and real life for tragedies and unforgivable crimes to be committed over these…"   
Mello had appeared at the door and was waving and blowing kisses to L. L felt his cheeks go red. He continued,  
"Uh, these things. Love, jealousy, revenge. Love is a kind of sickness. As a plot device, it works terrifically well. Falling in love is…" L began to feel dizzy, partly because his blood sugar was low, partly because he was thinking about the first time he realised he was in love with Mello. At the time, Mello had been much too young for him, but the feelings were overwhelming, they were stronger than anything L had ever -  
"Falling in love is what?" said the teacher. L tried to think of a love metaphor appropriate for a year twelve literature class. He looked around for inspiration. Nothing. Then the room began to spin. His body needed sugar.   
L sat down. "I am emotionally troubled," he said, though in reality he was just chocolate deprived and tired and a little annoyed. "I can't continue."   
"Would you like to go see the school psychologist?"   
"Yes." 

Mello had wandered off to Student Services and was reading a brochure about safe sex. "Condoms are cool!" the brochure insisted.   
"Are you Mr Hearting?" said a tall woman who had appeared behind him.   
"Yes," said Mello automatically and put the brochure back and looked at her.   
"It's very nice to meet you! Welcome to our school. That's your office in there, don't miss morning tea, I'll introduce everyone to you, and you to everyone, okay?"   
"Okay."   
Mello looked at his new office. School Psychologist, read the big sticky label.   
Nice. He went inside and sat at his desk. There was a cool spinny chair. He spun around on it a few times.   
Then he heard a knock at the door.


	7. death spade, love note

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You're going to be living with me for a while," said Raito to Near, "until I figure out what to do with you."

Near slumped into the back seat of the Kiras' car and checked his mobile phone. Halle still hadn't texted back.   
'wtf?' he thought, genuinely pissed off for the first time in a while. 'I'm NEAR ffs you're supposed to look after me properly I'm probably even smarter than L and all you guys do is try and get Mello away from me WHICH IS NOT WHAT I WANT AT ALL I ACTUALLY LIKE MELLO HE'S REALLY CUTE and then leave me alone in a cemetery with Kira and don't respond to my texts I mean really this is-' Near's thoughts were interrupted by Mikami screaming. Raito had accidentally touched his leg while reaching for a weather's original in the glove compartment.   
"I'm so sorry," Mikami whispered desperately as he almost drove the car into a telephone pole. "I was just… surprised." He'd never wash his leg again.   
"It's fine," said Raito, who was quietly repulsed by Mikami's obvious crush on him. He was kind of grossed out by everyone… except for L, who he wanted to fuck and feed strawberries and milk to in a bath of custard and man cream, while their-   
"Kami's house," said Mikami like an electronic announcement, as they arrived, quicker than expected. The house was small and pink and pretty. A white picket fence surrounded it. An unusual dwelling for Japanese city living.   
"I thought you lived with your mum and dad," said Near. He got out of the car and obediently followed Raito to the front door, because he knew something bad would probably happen if he didn't. Near was not used to being on his own without his team/carers, and he didn't like it.   
"Well, you were wrong," Raito said. "Do YOU live with your mum and dad?"   
"My mum and dad are dead."   
LOL, thought Raito, letting Near into his house and locking the door behind them.   
"Take your pants off," Raito said immediately.   
"WHAT?" Near's hand involuntarily flew to his right pocket, where his phone was.   
"I don't want your phone," Raito laughed, scoffed. "I disabled it hours ago. Didn't you notice?"   
"How?"   
"Magnets."   
"Oh."   
The kidnapper opened the window to get some fresh air into the room. "No, the real reason is, I need to see if you're wearing a wire."   
"I see. Well. I'm not," said Near.   
Raito shrugged. Actually, he wire thing had been an excuse. He just wanted to see Near's willy and point and laugh at it, because he was mad with power and not a very nice person and he expected that Near was probably smaller than him. Not many people were smaller than him. VERY FEW people were. His eye twitched as he thought of his tiny penis, and how the penis pump had been a COMPLETE waste of $200.   
"I'll find out if your di- if you're wearing a wire sooner or later," he said to Near. "You're going to be living with me for a while, until I figure out what to do with you."   
"Right." Well then. Near was relieved he hadn't been forced to take his clothes off. He walked to the bookcase and chose a book at random. He did not want his brain to go soft while he was being kidnapped! Better keep up the self education.   
But the book was not educational. "What's this? Yaoi?"   
Raito snatched Gravitation off Near.   
"I didn't say you could read my manga," he snapped. He stroked the cover and then carefully placed it back where it belonged. "Why don't you go and have a shower? There's dirt on you. You can borrow some of my clothes."   
While Near showered, Raito sat down at his study desk and began to write his PLAN. dun dun DUN.   
In his disgustingly neat handwriting, he wrote,  
Death spade, love note.   
Part 1: attack Mello with spade, severing his large genitalia and disfiguring his beautiful face   
Part 2: seduce L with beautiful poetry in the form of anonymous love notes  
Part 3: sign name on bottom of one of the love notes   
Part 4: -  
"THE COLD TAP DOESN'T WORK," Near wailed from the bathroom, his voice echoing all over the place, bouncing off walls and annoying Raito.   
"I know that," Raito yelled. He had forgotten that not everyone showered in scalding hot water. Of course, this is the only way to get properly clean. The dirt of the everyday world and its rotting inhabitants needs proper hot water, and some serious scrubbing, to properly remove. Near was probably one of those people that showe-   
"IS THIS SOME KIND OF TORTURE?" Near was screaming. "BURNING ME?"   
"Get out of the shower if you don't like it," Raito shouted. Near was such an idiot, he had 0 common sense, how could he have been chosen to replace L?   
Raito sighed, went back to his plan.   
Part 3 - sign name on bottom of one of the love notes   
Part 4 - elope with L   
Perfect. There were some gaps in the plan, but they were easily fixable. They were:   
1\. He didn't know where Mello lived. He would get this information out of Near.   
2\. He had left his spade at the graveyard. He would have to buy a new one.   
3\. Are you supposed to buy someone an engagement ring before eloping with them? 

Near emerged from the bathroom in a huge towel, dripping water on the hardwood floor of the lobby/study. Raito gave him a look so cold that the albino man boy began to freeze, despite having been almost boiled in the shower. He shuffled back into the bathroom and mopped up the drips of water with his towel, momentarily exposing his nakedness.   
BIGGER THAN MINE WTF, Raito screamed inside his own head.   
A drawn out moment of silence caused deep discomfort for both of them.   
"Near, do you know Mello's real name?" Raito said finally.   
"No."   
"You sure?"   
"Yes."   
"That's a shame… anyway, I'll get you some clothes." Raito strode into his bedroom, opening drawers and pulling out his least favoured items of clothing. This, and this, and this. *fold into neat pile because things must be folded into neat piles always*   
He handed the folded clothes to the Near. "Change into these."  
"I don't think they will fit me," Near said, looking at the clothes with slight distaste.   
"If the pants are too long, roll them up at the ends so you don't trip over them, okay?"   
Near stared at him. "But the-"   
"Do you want me to put them on for you, sweetie?" Raito said, his voice going up half an octave.   
"No, I was about to sa-"  
"Do you want me to kiss your forehead and button the shirt up? Do you want me to rub moisturiser on your legs so the khaki won't distress your sensitive skin?"   
"No," Near said.   
DO YOU WANT TO BE FUCKED IN THE ASS, TWINK? Raito mouthed. DO YOU WANT ME TO GENTLY DRESS YOU AND THEN UNDRESS YOU AND THEN FUCK YOU IN THE ASS?   
Near pretended he hadn't seen Raito mouth the things. He took the clothes, swiftly shut the door and began to get dressed. He knew Raito would not fit in in a psychiatric hospital, but… where would he fit in? 4chan?   
Ugh, khaki. 

 

At the school…   
"Come in," said Mello.   
L came in. When he noticed who the school psychologist was his jaw dropped. Mello's face broke out in a wide and slightly evil smile. He stood up and shut the door gently behind his student.   
"What can I help you with today, student L?"   
"I'm stressed," said L, sitting in the non-spinny chair.   
"Oh no! Why is that?" Mello sat opposite him in the spinny chair and rested his elbows on the table, pursed his lips. He wondered if he and L could have sex in here.   
"I've been dragged all over place by my criminal boyfriend all afternoon," L said tiredly. "My undead body was dug out of the ground by my murderer, then he wouldn't stop flirting with me, I threw up all over my clothes, your leather top irritated my nipples and they still hurt, then there was the police chase, and the police interrogation… you know, I'm tired, I need some sugar, and really I just want to go home and have a cup of tea and cuddle you."   
"Oh." Mello had not expected such honesty. His elbows gave out and his head slumped onto the desk.   
"Yeah. I'm tired too," he said. "And I'm sorry about all this. I'm sure the police have given up looking for us… we can go home now, and have some chocol- some nice tea. Both. Whatever you want."  
"Really?"   
"Really."   
Suddenly the siren rang, L jumped at the noise.  
"I guess it's morning tea time," said Mello. "I have to go meet the other teachers." And he stood up.   
L glared. "That better be a joke." 

 

Mikami was still in the car, outside the neat pink house. In case Kami needed him… he felt he should stay close by, just in case. For Kami. He had gotten his iPad out and was watching SHINee's Hello MV.   
"Hello, hello!" he sang quietly but passionately. Trying to copy Taemin's arm dancing, he flung his hand out and it hit the steering wheel with a THWACK, causing a purple finger bruise.   
He decided to stop.   
He would never be as good as Taemin. He would never be as good as Kami. But he would serve his superiors faithfully and competently, buying every SHINee album that came out, and doting on Kami whenever and wherever he desired it.   
"Rmbl rmbl," went his stomach, reminding him that he hadn't eaten in a while. He wondered if he should go and knock on Kami's door... Maybe they could have dinner together, and he could tell Kami all about who he'd been killing recently. There would be candles, Kami would surely have candles, and intelligent conversation, and some kind of nice fish and rice, and Near would be chained to something somewhere and would not bother them. How nice! Or... maybe he should just stay in the car and await further instruction. Or go home? Or go to the kombini for some dinner?   
":(" said Mikami, indecisive. ":( :( :(".


End file.
